Just a small town girl

So… the main reason why I’ve taken so long to start blogging is because I was (am) scared of putting myself out there. Even though every business and entrepreneurial book I’ve read emphasizes how vital vulnerability is for success, I have failed to expose myself entirely. I have succeeded in opening myself a bit more and therefore have gained the trust of many and heard their stories. These stories are a huge inspiration to me and actually, through a cross-examination with my own life, allow me to shift my perspective and as my mom would say “ubicarme” or locate my place in the world. It resembles that moment in a video game, where you are just learning the controls, and your view is either all the way left, or right, or bottom, or top. Hearing others has aided me in centering my view.

In celebration of the small wins I have had with opening myself up, I believe that it is due time for me to tell my story, entirely. Some may see it as an act of victimization, or as a means of getting attention. I assure you it is neither. Whether millions see this or only my close friends, this is purely an effort on my part to “put myself out there”, an effort to reclaim who I am and gain confidence in my own identity. This is something I have struggled with for a long time. Feeling like everything is out of my control and all. I mean, because it is, for the most part. God, put me here, on this earth, on this laptop, on your screen, for a reason. I don’t pretend to know why and have realized that trying to understand why will probably drive me nuts.

Essentially, the reason why I finally ended up making this blog, was to hold myself accountable to someone. It sometimes isn’t enough to tell myself that I am going to start opening up more. I don’t just magically turn into who I want to be, or show who I really am. The place that I am in feels very encasing, and I long to free myself from the box I have allowed to form around me. This truly is a journey for me therefore, I invite anyone who wants to form a part of this to tune in every day for the following week. In the following seven days, I will separate my life into sections. At least what I can remember. Of course there will be bias, it’s a narrative not a research paper. You see, I do have goals. Not being in control doesn’t make me immune to dreaming and hoping. It just makes me unmotivated. But don’t worry. This fire is starting to reignite. Alright. Thanks for reading this if you did and I hope you have a blessed day.

 


♥Lesly♥

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Brainfog

My brain is poisoned

My brain is poisoned

Saturated with toxicity

It seeps through my ears and eyes

Pervades my vicinity

Transforms my skin

Metallic to matte

Bright to dull

It all connects

Or so I am told

What is wrong is right is wrong

I am told

What is right is wrong

So i write

To clean up the fog

and extract the pollution

with my purifier

It flows through my system

from my brain to my hands

Transforming

Almost, as if knowing

There is no more ozone

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! I had considered starting a blog for a while but never had the guts to do so. On this blog you’ll find an assortment of things: experiences, reviews, rants, poetry, political observations and maybe even a picture or a video. 🙂 I will probably also shamelessly advertise the talent of my friends, although I don’t know who benefits most from that. Anyways. Feel free to leave comments and send constructive criticism. I appreciate any involvement and hope you visit again. 🙂

 

Have a great day

Lesly

Travels

There are many things

running through my mind.

So many,

Sometimes I feel paralyzed.

These things, they take me places.

Places I’ve been, and places I haven’t.

Where I want to go and where I don’t.

Existing and not.

Material and emotional.

Mental and spiritual.

And yet

I remain paralyzed.

Decompressing

Sometimes, it can be hard to sit down and decompress for even a couple of minutes. We become so entangled with, not only our own problems but also other’s problems, we forget to pause and enjoy life. At other times, we become so consumed with our own happiness and search for joy that we forgo responsibilities and even others. But how do we reach and find the balance between these two states? I have been on both ends of this spectrum and am still struggling to find the balance on this fulcrum.

I have noticed that pausing for a moment at any given time in the day, and listing things I am grateful for quickly lifts my mood and clears my negative thoughts. Although I display a positive front, that’s all it is sometimes, a front. It can be hard to be thought of as the “happy” one. Everyone assumes you are always happy and okay. Sometimes people will ask how you are, and your okay doesn’t hold the same weight as someone else’s okay.


Having people depend on you is hard but also very rewarding. It feels good to know that people trust you enough to gift you with a piece of their life. For me, I find it easier to be dependable than to depend. In other words, although it can be a bit much, helping others comes more naturally to me than allowing others to help me.

For me, a simple smile from a stranger can light up my day. If someone waits just a couple extra seconds to hold the door open, I will feel happy and thankful. The fact that someone tells me about my open bookbag(which happens a lot since I am quite clumsy) brightens my mood. There are so many small things that people do, that just make me grateful to be alive and in the place I am.

On the other hand, I can also be easily hurt. It is the price you must pay when you become an open book. The fact that I am so vulnerable in person scares me but not so much as to stop me from being a bit vulnerable. I think, that is what draws people to open up to me. I know that for myself, when I meet people who are truly vulnerable and honest, I reciprocate. Writing this now frightens me. My thoughts, online, for anyone who cares to look to see. Now there are many ways to define vulnerable and many associate the word with a negative connotation. Up until recently, I associated the word vulnerable with weak, defenseless, powerless, impotent. And the truth is, yes. These all embody what the word itself means. And yet, becoming vulnerable is the only way to truly connect with others. Why must we always have a guard up? Who are we protecting ourselves from? If we live our lives with a fortress around ourselves, we will never make real connections and never allow ourselves to empathize. We will never be able to be free. Lowering your guard is a risky thing to do, as it exposes you to attacks but it also exposes you to all the good feelings in life. The risk of not encountering THAT is one I am not willing to take.